Perseverate

I'm having a hard morning. Felt I needed to say that out loud. Might explain this post and why it feels so negative.

I have Rocco's med check up appointment this Friday and I feel out of control. Really unsure of everything. So the first thing I do is right a note to his teacher about the appointment and ask if she could update me on his progress. I know she has been testing him the last couple of weeks, but I don't get those results until beginning of May. I just needed some feedback for my appointment. She said she would email me the paragraph that she put in his IEP document...

"Rocco is well liked by his peers and gets along well with others. He has preferred friends and can be a leader in his group of friends. He is very compliant in the class and obeys the safety rules with occasional reminders from the staff. Rocco has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and is on medication although this is still in the trial stages. When Rocco wasn’t on medication he was easily distracted by anything around him and fooled around a lot. Now that he is on medication he isn’t as easily distracted by other things but tends to daydream more. When we sit him in the front row during large group activities, he is more focused and responds more but can still withdraw into his daydream. Since on the medication, Rocco seems to perseverate on various topics even if it doesn’t pertain to what the group is talking about before he can move on. Sometimes he perseverates on something that has happened in the past. He gets more flustered with himself when he cannot complete a task."

per·sev·er·ate/pərˈsevəˌrāt/
Verb: Repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.
Describing the behavior, generally displayed by those with various developmental disabilities, of extraordinary, exclusive and lasting obsession to a detail or occurrence others consider minor; to repeat or continue a pattern

Doesn't this define my obsession with the little things Rocco does that makes me worry so. This morning we had two battles. One, snack and two, driving home with Sammy.

Snack
My son is not hungry at 11am for snack. I feed him a pretty big breakfast with the meds and he is not hungry until dinner time. The classroom rules are this. Snack time is 15 minutes long. You need to pull out your snack and try to eat it. If you finish early, you can clean up and quietly read a book until snack time is over. This has become an issue. I tell Rocco to pick out his snack this morning so maybe he'll eat it at school. He says that he is just not hungry. I say let's just pick something and you can try it at snack time. He picked cookies. Chosing not to fight that battle, I let him take cookies. Rocco must have went back and forth 6 times this morning. "Mom, I just don't want to eat snack." I respond with a simple, "I understand buddy". Then 2 minutes later he says, "Ok I'll try to eat one cookie." I say, "That sounds like a great idea." Throughout the morning I go on to explain that it's important to follow the teacher's rules and at least try to eat at snack time. It's ok if you can't, but you must follow the no playing and only reading rule for 15 minutes. I see the internal struggle within Rocco and I wish I could take that way for him. Why does a 5 year old have to be so worried about such a minor thing. I did mention to his teacher this morning that we are having a hard time and I asked her that Rocco never be punished for not eating snack or made to feel bad. I did say that I think it is important that he obeys the class rules and so on. She ensured me that he would never be punished for not eating and only commented to Rocco that maybe he should be bringing something healthier than just cookies. (Yeah mom of the year had to then say, that is all he has today, COOKIES!)

Carpooling with Sammy
So Wednesday through Friday I pick up Sammy and bring him to school and Sammy's mom picks up Rocco and brings him home the same days. It is actually really nice not to pack up Frankie and get him. The downside is that Rocco does not like driving in Sammy's car because he has a 3 month old sister that screams the whole time. SCREAMS. This morning Rocco tells me he doesn't want to drive home with Sammy on the way to Sammy's house and again when we got to the school. My response was, "I'm sorry you don't want to. I know the baby cries a lot, but sometimes we just have to do things we don't like." He starts to get upset and cry. "Rocco, I understand, but I can't pick you up today, so you just have to go with Sammy." CRY. "Rocco, control your emotions, you need to go to school now. I'll think about picking you up, but not today." So Internet, what do I do? My first thought is to just forget the convenience of carpooling and start picking him up again. I think I'm just being selfish. Then the next second I think, geez I can't give Rocco whatever he wants all the time. I don't want one of those kids that bosses their parents around. Is that truly how I feel or the world's pressure to be the perfect mom. I wouldn't want to spend 10 minutes in the car with a screaming kid, so I don't blame him, but still don't know if it warrants cancelling carpool.

Well, with the meds I think there has been a change with Rocco's communication. That is good. Unfortunately, he does seem more negative overall. He doesn't like playing with the annoying neighbor kid for long periods of time. He doesn't want to drive with Sammy. He doesn't want to play at the toddler playdate I go to for the girls. Sleeping at grandparents is boring. Can you consider these negative feelings a bad thing though? He's just stating his preferences. Before meds, he was more happy go lucky, but maybe that is not who Rocco was. Maybe he just didn't know how to communicate what he didn't like. Rocco still shows joy. He still wants to go to Karate and Baseball and play video games. He likes to dance, cuddle with Frankie and watch movies. He talks about wanting to play with his cousins Jason and Noah (both older) and seems to understand things better over all.

Where does this leave me? The teacher didn't tell me if Rocco improved academically. I do notice some improvement myself, but not a huge amount. I definitely get the sense that there are still quite a few annoyances at school. But is this the best one can expect? Do we need to try different meds? Do we need to try anti anxiety meds on top of ADHD meds? Is that too much meds to put on a 5 year old? Rocco's eyes seem bloodshot or glossed over come four pm like he hasn't slept in 2 days, but I ask him if he is tired and he says no. He sleeps from about 9pm to 7am so it isn't really an issue. I guess I'll I can do is give as much information I can to his doctor and see what she suggests. I just don't like not knowing what I suggest for Rocco. I don't think these meds are a perfect fit for us, but also scared that different meds would be worse. I guess time will tell. I committed to seeing this through.

On a side note. I went to register Rocco for Kindergarten and they asked if he was going to school now. I told them he was is the special day preschool class, but I was told to register for this school for kindergarten. She then got the special day kindergarten teacher and she said I need to register him at the district office. I told her that he might not go to special day kindergarten. We talked for a second and I did bring up Rocco's ADHD and that he was on medication. The teacher then interrupts and says, "You are being really consistent with that, right?" Of course I am, but that irked me. I guess the school pressure for meds is just beginning. I told Rocco's current teacher that I was told to go to the district office and she said they don't know what they are talking about and to just go back to that school to register. Goodtimes.

At least I forewarned you that my mood is low. I'm trying to raise it up quickly though. I'll leave you on a positive note: Rocco is so funny. He's starting to play little tricks on me and even tries to scare me. I do really love that boy!